Tuesday, January 03, 2006

BC: The Week in Review

It's New Year's time, and that's when all the TV, radio, and magazine content out there turns to the retrospective. Since my updates were a bit lacking over this last little adventure, I figured I'd hand out some props à la year-end awards show.

The Gut Pleasing Award
Canadian beef. The USDA started blocking the import of this stuff because of mad cow scares, but I think the real reason is because it's so good, people who knew the difference would stop buying American beef. Seriously, our stuff sucks. Could be because of the hormones and cow pieces our cattle are fed... Just a hunch.

Runner up: Beaver Tail, a hot, cracked-wheat pastry spread with stuff you'd typically put on a crêpe. Everyone should start their day with a little bit of Tail.

The Refreshing Beverage Award
I'm not one to like girly drinks - or most sweet drinks at that - but if you're in Canada, you have to go to a Milestone's restaurant and have their Bellini. After all, they're the ones that created the champagne-peach-sangria concoction, and it lives up to its reputation. I'd had one in Australia and thought it was pretty tasty, but this one simply kicked ass.

Runner up: Kokanee Gold beer. While we get cheap crap like Molson, Labatt, and Moosehead, the Canuckleheads have a handful of beers that they're apparently keeping to themselves. The regular old Kokanee is a drinkable cheapie, but the Gold is actually a flavorful, full-bodied brew with plenty of flavor and not too much bloat.

The I Wish They All Could Be... Award
Canadian Girls. It must be that combination of clean air, clean water, pure beef, and guys too busy watching hockey to mess up their heads. By no means the hottest girls in the world, but definitely among the sweetest and prettiest in that plain, natural kind of way, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The Trying Too Damn Hard Award
Whistler nightclubs. Admit it, Whistlerites, you're in a small mountain town. Granted, it's a small mountain town that becomes one of Canada's busiest destinations, and as such you're going to have some great draws for nightlife. But stop pretending that every night is a big night. You don't have to charge cover every night, just to go hit an empty dancefloor. You don't have to keep up a queue outside, just to go hit an empty dancefloor. You don't have to advertise gimmicky things like gogo dancers and plexiglass DJ booths if no one's there to check them out. Try drink specials. They really work.

Runner up: Ego Monkeys and Snowbitches. Seriously, lighten up. You don't need to start fights because someone was looking at your skanky-ass girlfriend. He was probably pointing out one of her zits. Speaking of which, skanks, your shit does stink and you're not as hot as you think you are. You're on holiday in a little mountain town. Put the attitude aside and just have fun like everyone else.

Nightlife Penalty Box
Tommy Africa's (see: Trying Too Damn Hard), Garfinkels for having a $12 cover on an off-night, Savage Beagle who despite hosting a killer Om Records night made people wait in line in the snow while it was empty inside, and the Longhorn Saloon which is a pretty good place, but stop spinning all the ghetto-ass music when more people fill the floor when you play rock.

Nightlife Champs
The Boot Pub - bless your decent prices, excellent service, and status as Whistler's only part-time strip club. I still have no idea how you'd have striptease going on in there, and I wish I'd seen it, but good on you for trying. Merlin's - thank you for hosting a NYE party that people can actually afford after spending entirely too much on lodging and lift tickets. Citta - good bar, great vibes, awesome views, and a little bit of flexibility with last call times. Sweet.

By the Numbers
1: Coffee mugs in my cabinet at the Delta Whistler Village Suites. For the rate I was paying, I expect more attention to detail. And maybe a nightly palm job service.
2: Minutes we could tolerate Tommy Africa's, its shit music, and its shit service. World famous, my ass.
3: The time my return home commenced this morning, only to wrap up 15 hours later at work.
4: Shots Kellie made us do for last call at Citta, and that's why we like her.
5: Lift rides before getting to the top of Blackcomb. All that vertical comes with a bloody price.
6: Molson Canadian cans consumed before I realized the stuff was disgusting.
7: Average time, AM, that either Andrew, Heather, or myself would attempt to wake up in order to hit the slopes.
8: Key cards reissued by the Delta front desk due to demagnetization by wallets or cellphones. Quality stuff, guys.
9: Deep scratches over 2" long in the base of my snowboard, god dammit.
10: Actual time, AM, that either Andrew, Heather, or myself would eventually wake up to hit the slopes.
11: Dollars for a six-pack of cheap beer at the Liquor Store. Ouch.
12: Australians I hung out with during my time in Whistler. I swear, during the winter John Howard should just annex the mountain and plant a Southern Cross there.

Overall, a huge debt of gratitude goes out to Kathy, Kellie, Andrew, Heather, John, Susan, and countless others for a brilliant week. I hope to see everyone again, in some corner of the world, for more adventures.

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